Showing Off

Yang Xiaohai opened his eyes in the middle of sleep. Staring at the ox-hide tent above him, he let out a meaningless chuckle for no reason at all.

A smelly foot kicked over in his direction. “You trying to get yourself killed? Lying in bed giggling like an idiot at the crack of dawn instead of getting up?”

Yang Xiaohai sat up, his face bright with excitement as he looked at Gouwa, who was sitting beside him with his eyes closed, picking his nose.

“Senior Brother Cao, we don’t have to do any work now, and we get meat to eat every single day. Isn’t that worth a laugh?”

This was the real deal—actual meat. For the first time in his life, he had eaten meat until he was full. This had to be how the Emperor lived, right?

“Look at you, such small aspirations. A few meals of meat and you’re already this happy. Kid really is a kid.”

He, on the other hand, was different. He had higher pursuits.

Gouwa sat up, wiped his face with his hand, and crawled off the bed. He reached over and slapped the thigh of Gao Zhijian, who was snoring beside him.

“Idiot, wake up. I figure we’ll be leaving in a few days.”

“We’re leaving already?” Yang Xiaohai’s face showed deep reluctance.

“Senior Brother Li has recovered from his hysteria, so of course we have to keep moving. What, you wanna live here forever?”

Yang Xiaohai lowered his brows and muttered quietly under his breath: “Living here forever wouldn’t be so bad.”

“Hey! You think this is your home or something? Right now you’re a guest, that’s why they’re treating you with kid gloves. You stay a few more days, and they’ll start throwing the dishes at you!”

After scolding Yang Xiaohai, Gouwa saw that Gao Zhijian still hadn’t woken up. He yanked the blanket off and grabbed the waistband of his pants, pulling them down in one sharp motion.

As the sleepy-eyed Gao Zhijian frantically grabbed at his own trousers, Gouwa let out a weird laugh and dashed out of the tent.

Stepping outside, Gouwa waded barefoot into the river and began washing himself thoroughly.

He hadn’t bothered to clean up this much before, but after hearing from Xiaoman that women liked clean men, he had started doing it.

“Your face is patchy white and yellow, and you look like a rat to begin with. If you let yourself get any more slovenly, you might as well just die already.” Those were Chun Xiaoman’s exact words.

Gouwa thought it over and figured she had a point. So he started making an effort to clean up.

And sure enough, after he started washing regularly, some of those bandit women actually started being willing to talk to him more.

He needed to step it up. Those Qingqiu men in the camp had started coming around to chat them up, and that made Gouwa feel even more anxious.

He wasn’t afraid of getting the leftovers—he was afraid everyone else would have already picked someone, and he would be left with no one at all.

After scrubbing himself clean inside and out, and undoing his belt to take a piss into the river, Gouwa pulled a crumpled, wilted red flower from his bosom and tucked it behind his ear. Swaggering, he headed back toward the tents.

Just as he entered the tent camp, Gouwa caught sight of Li Huowang’s back. He opened his mouth to walk over and greet him, but then saw that he was fiddling with those scattered, blood-chilling instruments of torture.

“Tch… Senior Brother Li, what are you planning now?”

Gouwa didn’t feel like walking into bad luck. He tiptoed his way around the side.

He didn’t go straight to the women’s tents. Instead, he first stopped outside the Lü Troupe’s tent, and called out in a low voice: “Scholar! Scholar!”

“Coming! Right away!”

After a short moment, Lü Xiucai, his mouth still sporting a milk mustache, came running out. “Let’s go. I’m done eating.”

The two of them headed together toward the women’s tents, walking side by side.

“How do I look? Not bad, right?”

“Men wear those? That’s for women.”

“Why can’t a man wear one? Where I’m from, only the men who wear them attract the young maidens.”

When they reached the outside of the women’s tents, they didn’t go straight in. Instead, they waited quietly.

Their feet might have been still, but their mouths certainly weren’t. They crouched there, whispering lecherously among themselves about which of the women had a nice face, which one had a big backside, which one had big breasts.

Though their friendship might not have been particularly deep, on this topic, they shared plenty of common ground.

As the sun climbed higher in the sky, the women finally emerged from inside, each carrying her own clothes, and headed toward the river together to wash them.

“Hey, they’re coming out! They’re coming out! Quick, follow them!”

Gouwa spat twice into his palms, rubbed the spit into his sideburns, and then grinned as he trotted after them.

Seeing the two of them swaggering over, the women weren’t afraid at all. They gathered in a group, whispering among themselves, with the occasional light laugh breaking out.

“Ah~! On the moon-upon-willow-head evening, the tryst is at… high noon!”

Lü Xiucai’s shout made Gouwa jump, but it also drew the women’s gazes their way.

“Scholar, what the hell are you saying?”

“I don’t know. That’s the only line I know. My old man said women nowadays like men with a bit of literary flair.”

Gouwa shot him a look of contempt, touched the flower behind his ear, and grinned as he sidled over toward the group.

Soon they reached the river. And honestly, Gouwa really did manage to chat them up.

After all, it had been several days. They already knew what kind of man Gouwa was—all talk, no action.

At first, Gouwa thought it was the flower behind his ear doing the trick. But after a while, he realized they were actually asking him about Gao Zhijian.

Just then, a group of Qingqiu men, stripped to the waist, rode past on horseback, whooping, drawing gasps of surprise from the women.

After circling around twice, one of the Qingqiu men guided his horse through the water toward them. He grinned stupidly at a big-mouthed woman and reached out his hand.

“Go on, go on! That man’s not bad! Look at those shoulders!”

“Right, Lan’er, weren’t you saying last night that you had your eye on him too?”

“We can’t keep being picky, Lan’er.”

When they saw the woman named Lan’er being helped up onto the horse, both the men and women erupted in cheers and catcalls.

“What’s the big deal? What’s the big deal!” Gouwa’s face showed pure disdain.

“Ah~! On the moon-upon-willow-head evening, the tryst is at… high noon!”

“Alright, Scholar, stop your yowling! You’ve been at it for an hour now, and have any of them given you a single look?”

Gouwa looked at the boy beside him with extreme disgust. He should never have come with him today—completely useless.

“I refuse to believe some short, dark-skinned guy is going to steal my thunder!”

Gouwa thought for a moment, then pulled a small wooden tube from his belt. He took out a needle wrapped with white thread, inserted it through the rear opening, and pushed it in.

“Ahem! Look here, young ladies. What I’m about to show you is a divine ability I learned from a Real Person himself! This is no ordinary trick—this is a divine ability~”

When he saw that everyone’s eyes were on him, Gouwa’s face grew even more smug. He started showing off with the tube.

“Heh heh~ So what if you can ride a horse? Can that compare to this?”

“Watch closely now, don’t blink. This isn’t something just anyone gets to see!”

Gouwa pulled a goat over, put the wooden tube to his mouth, and sucked in sharply toward the goat’s head.

The next moment, his face turned bright red. Panic-stricken, he clutched his throat with both hands.

“Caw… caw…”

(Chapter End)